Listen to Your Soul

(Same blog as YK 2011, adapted)

Most people generally love Chanukka or Passover. Some really go all out on Purim. Others love Rosh Hashana.
When someone asks me what my favorite Jewish holiday is, they are often quite perplexed by my answer. Yom Kippur is my favorite holiday. Let me explain.

My ex husband and I were high school sweethearts. We met when we were 16, were the best of friends and after a couple of years, something happened and our friendship blossomed into something more . I was not religious growing up but I always went to synagogue on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. Every year on Yom Kippur, while in the sanctuary, I felt a small tug in my heart from all the beautiful tunes and words...Sometimes so much so that I would cry, even at age 8. At 18, we started dating and at 21 we broke up. At 24, we found our way back to each other and moved across the country together (from Montreal to Vancouver). We were essentially married in all ways...Except that we weren't really. At 28 we got married officially. My ex was not interested in Judaism or any religion for that matter. Little did I know what a central and core part of me I was giving away by marrying him...I remember a couple of months after our wedding, it was Yom Kippur and I was in synagogue without him. Except this time, it was no longer small tugs on my heart, it was a powerful and breath stopping pull that I had never ever felt before. I was moved to tears...As I looked over the mechitza(separation between men and women in an Orthodox synagogue), I was overcome with the most intense and overwhelming sense of clarity...I had married the wrong man. As I looked over the mechitza and saw all the little boys sitting on their Abas' laps, it hit me like a ton of bricks that my children would never experience Yom Kippur with their Aba if I stayed married to my husband...

My soul was screaming in pain, howling in agony and I listened to it. I listened to my Pintele Yid( my G-dly spark) and I followed it on a journey into the unknown. And for over a decade, I have experienced the true beauty and joy of Yom Kippur...The Day of Atonement...My time to reconnect with Abaleh, my Father in Heaven. My time for opportunity to renew my relationship with Him and the people I love and care about. The fasting can be challenging, but it serves as a really important and useful purpose in my opinion.

Yom Kippur is going to look very different this year than it has in past years, as I will be home with the little ones most of the time. I will likely not have many (or any) opportunities to be in synagogue, but I intend to find opportunities to steal some time to talk to Abaleh and thank Him yet again for pushing me to the place that I am at now: married to the perfect man for me, entrusted with raising three of His Precious Jewels.

My dear readers who observe Yom Kippur and to all my dear brothers and sisters who may be experiencing a screaming and crying soul like I was all those years ago, come back Home. Abaleh is right here, waiting to hear from you, waiting to shower you with an abundance of blessings. Listen to your soul. It knows best.

Gmar Chatima Tova with Love,
Cigal

My Elul Checklist

In the Jewish tradition, the month of Elul is a time of Teshuva(repentance)in preparation for the High Holy Days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. The Talmud writes that the Hebrew word "Elul" can be expanded as an acronym for "Ani L'dodi V'dodi Li" - "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine" (Song of Solomon 6:3). Elul is seen as a time to search one's heart and draw close to God in preparation for the coming Day of Judgement, Rosh Hashana, and the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur. 

It is a great time of year to let go of past grievances with people and an equally great time to ask Hashem to support us in granting those people complete and total amnesty. This can sometimes be very difficult, especially if we've been badly hurt and if the residual feelings of pain have not been dealt with.

Make a list of all the behaviors and incidents over the past year that you would like to be forgiven for. Then make a list of all the people with whom you have grievances and write down what you need to forgive them for, while asking Hashem for the support you need to rid your heart from hatred, anger, resentment and jealousy.

You are a beautiful person, both inside and out and Hashem is RIGHT here, in the field, waiting to hear your tfilot(prayers). He loves you and wants only what's best for you. He knows you MUCH better than you know yourself, so let go and let G-d in.

As Jews, we are so incredibly blessed to have been given this amazing opportunity to do some serious cheshbon hanefesh(soul searching/self examination) and to begin a New Year with a clean slate.

Let us take the opportunity head on and make Hashem, our Father in Heaven, proud of us for making the effort to start a new year from scratch.

With Love,
Cigal

G-d Bless the Ganenot

Every Friday, my kids come home from their respective ganim(preschools) with folders that hold all their artwork from the week as well as a note from the teachers about what they learned during the week.In our family, I generally gather all the artwork as soon as they get home on Friday, find good spots on my already very decorated walls and hang them up. People who come to our home often think that I run a preschool from home, as my children's colorful and creative artwork is plastered all over the walls, windows and doors. It makes them super proud to see their work and it puts a huge smile on my face when I see all the wonderful things my children are learning.

This past Friday night, after lighting Shabbat candles, my children and I were sitting and cuddling on the couch when I said: "Kids, you must be learning about Teshuva(repentance) as we're getting so close to Yamim Noraim(Days of Awe)". My oldest, 4 year old boy then says to me"Teshuva, v'Tfila u'Tzedaka Ma'avirin et Roa HaGezera"(Repentance,Prayer and Charity wipe out a harsh verdict). Then my daughter, 3 years old says to me: "Eyze hu Gibor? Ha kovesh et Yitzro"(Who is a hero? He who conquers his desires). My two year old kept pointing at a picture he drew, saying ;"Daka, Daka"( Tzedaka, of the charity box he colored in his preschool).


My 4, 3 and 2 year olds, all born and being raised in THEIR land. The land that Hashem promised to all of us. It brings tears of pride and joy to my eyes when my small children come home quoting Torah and even more so when they explain their quotes beautifully.

I feel incredibly blessed by the beautiful ganenot(preschool teachers) that we (and Hashem) have chosen for our children.

Hodu L'Hashem Ki Tov, Ki L'Olam Chasdo!

With Love,
Cigal

Fear

The other day, a friend of mine on Facebook posted the following:"Starting to feel like an emotional yo-yo on a string that is getting dangerously frayed. And it resonated with me. Very much.

It feels as though our Prime Minister has sold us out by accepting a ceasefire.
Israel looks weak yet again & Hamas will just take this time to re-stock. How can the government justify this to citizens under fire & to the families of the wounded & killed soldiers? I just don't understand...

It's been a very long, painful and difficult summer for all of us on both personal and national levels. Our three boys. Rockets, sirens, War. Our brothers and sisters in uniform risking their lives for us. Sweet heroes injured and killed at the hands of evil murderers. A government that seems to care more about the world's opinions of us than about us, the citizens who have a right to live in peace and safety.

I keep telling myself that there must be some big secrets that I don't know. That Bibi is doing what's best for us even though we can't see it. Even though we think it's insanity to accept a truce with terrorists, I keep praying that he sees things from a perspective that none of us Israelis will ever see or hear. I really want to trust that he has our best interests at heart, but when I think about him and his choices, I freeze in fear. So I change my train of thought and think about You, Abaleh.

You know what's best for Your Holy Nation, Am Yisrael. You love us and want what's best for us. Everything that happens is for the best. Even growing pains. Even loss and heart ache have a higher purpose. So every time fear creeps into my heart, every time I worry about my people, instead of focusing on the choices my government is making, I will continue to make the attempt to remind myself that You run the world, Abaleh. That You know EXACTLY what You're doing.

And the main thing is not to fear. והעיקר לא לפחד כלל

With Love,

Cigal

Fill The Love Tank

Since I was a kid, birthdays have always been very special to me. On birthdays, you got to choose the events of the day, you got surprises and gifts up the ying yang and in general, it was a fun and special day that was tailor made just for you.

Hubby had a very different experience with birthdays growing up. In his family, birthdays weren't such a big deal. They kind of came and went with no special way to mark them.

When we got married six years ago, our differences in this area became painfully clear. When he turned 40, I went all out and threw him a big surprise party with all his friends and family, good food and fun games. One year, he bought me a vase. Another year, a pair of earrings that I went to replace.

This year, after 5 years of being disappointed, I decided not to have any hopes or expectations. Hubby said that he wanted to take me out to our favorite restaurant for my Hebrew birthday and I really was not in the mood to go out. The war, my baby's hand saga, overwhelming exhaustion...I had a million excuses.Finally, with a tremendous amount of coaxing, he convinced me that I needed a night out, that I needed a break from the kitchen, etc.

At our favorite restaurant, he presented me with a very appreciated gift...A gift certificate for a massage, always a welcome treat for a tired, underpaid and overworked mama. I was content. And as I was sharing with him that this was the perfect gift and showing deep appreciation, suddenly behind me, I hear a loud group burst into the Hebrew version of "Happy Birthday to you" and I make nothing of it until I hear my name.

I turn around and I see my nearest and dearest friends from all over Israel. Some had driven two hours to make the surprise. My heart turned to mush as my jaw dropped. These wonderful friends whom I love. This fabulous husband whose love for me knows no bounds...Every ounce of birthday disappointment that I had ever experienced with my husband completely disappeared in one night. And it struck me. My love tank was running on empty. And knowing me like he does, Hubby came up with the perfect medicine...Bringing together my dearest friends to celebrate.

There are a few things I learned from my very special birthday this year:

1) I knew this but it became clearer than daylight that Hubby loves me deeply and would do anything to make me happy.

2) Sometimes when you don't expect anything, you get a surprise beyond your wildest dreams.

3) I have fantastic friends

4) I need to stay on top of my love tank and when it's starting to dry up, so that I know it needs a refill

With Love,

Cigal

Proud

Every day and every night, I hear our boys in fighter jets overhead and it fills me with a sense of both comfort and dread at the same time. Comfort that these holy boys and girls have been trained to protect us and dread that G-d forbid they or we should get hurt or killed.

My 4 year old has made up his own prayer to G-d for when he hears the jets overhead" Ema! Listen! It's our Chayalim(soldiers)" and then he proceeds with" Our Father in Heaven, please protect our righteous soldiers and bring them home safely and quickly without any booboos on any part of their bodies"(translated from Hebrew).

 I and all the other mothers here have done everything we could do to maintain a sense of "normalcy", by sending the kids to camps, doing mommy camps, going to gymboree, playing in the parks, and yet, our children have experienced sirens and have had to run for shelter on numerous occasions. Even the smallest of children know that there are evil people out there who want to hurt us. Their summers have been lower key than otherwise planned. Their sleeps have been interrupted in the middle of the night in order to run for shelter or be carried to shelter. I hate that there's a small part of my children's innocence that was stolen away from them. I hate the fact that this song gives them comfort https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoB1AjVCueU
I hate that the war doesn't yet feel over to me. I hate that I get a small pang of jealousy when I see pictures of friends' kids outside of Israel without a care in the world, splashing around in their lakes by their cottages or splashing around carefree in swimming pools...

But I love the fact that my beautiful Nation has truly become one giant heart & soul over the last couple of months. I thank G-d every single day that I am a part of this awe-inspiring nation. I love the fact that during the war, so many of the barriers between left and right, Ashkenazi/Sefardi, religious and not religious, Charedi and National religious seemed to have melted away. I love the way communities rallied together to bake for the soldiers, bring them toiletries, send them love letters, prayed for them, gathered at their funerals and at their shiva houses, comforted the fallen soldiers' families...There have been boundless amounts of love, support and kindness among us.

I for one just LOVE when my kids play nice together. I LOVE when they share, when they are kind to one another and put each others' needs first. I LOVE when they listen and are helpful around the house. So too, I feel, Abaleh, our Father in Heaven, really enjoys and appreciates when we show deep love, care, appreciation and compassion for our brothers and sisters. In my heart of hearts, even in the excruciating pain of all of our losses, I truly believe that we've made Abaleh proud of us.

With Love,
Cigal

How can I?

There are so many places I would love to take my children this summer...The ocean, a public swimming pool, a fun water hike,an amusement park....

But how can I allow for my little ones to squeal in joy and delight when my other children are in very serious danger, fighting for their own existence, as well as ours? How can I go on vacation-like outings when my beautiful boys and girls in uniform are getting ambushed, seriously injured and killed? When rockets and missiles are constantly being targeted at us , with the goal of killing us all? How terrifying would it be if I were to take my little ones to the ocean or the swimming pool and a siren were to go off while we were in the water? At least at home, I know they're safely tucked away in their beds as the siren sounds.

And what about those evil terror tunnels? Hamas had been planning a surprise attack where 200 fighters would have been dispatched through the dozens of tunnels that they had dug under the border from Gaza to Israel. The goal was to seize kibbutzim and other communities while killing and kidnapping Israeli civilians. In total, thousands of Hamas terrorists would have been swarming across Israel, wearing IDF uniforms, which would have further complicated an Israeli response. So now we know this. And that is why we must finish the very dirty job that we started. And at the same time, we need to continue living while still remaining alert and cautious about whom and what surrounds us at at every given minute.

In this excruciating summer heat, how much would I love to take my little ones to the ocean and watch them shriek with joy and delight as the cool waves splash against their beautiful sun-kissed faces? But how can I, when my beautiful boys and girls in uniform are outdoors on extremely dangerous territory, with no respite from the unbearable scorching sun? These young heroes don't even know if they'll ever return home again. Or if they'll ever get to hug and kiss their mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers again.

I hate that our enemies have pushed us into this corner...I hate that the children and families in my country are being cheated from a fun and enjoyable summer. I hate that my holy children in uniform are faced with insane moral dilemmas every single minute of every single day, while their peers outside of Israel are partying it up at coffee shops, bars and outdoor fun.

I'm sorry,  my sweet and beautiful children , but we're going to have to lay low this summer. I look forward to the day that I don't have to hesitate or worry about taking you out for a day of fun.

With Love,
Cigal