A New Perspective

When I was first becoming religious, more than a decade ago, I was on fire. The spark in my soul( My Pintele Yid, The G-dly spark found in every single Jew) had turned into a flame. I was hungry for spirituality. Hungry for a relationship with my Almighty Father in Heaven. I remember spending hours talking to G-d every day. My prayers were filled with a deep passion and a fervor I had never experienced or felt before...Every time I recited a blessing before or after a snack or a meal, a tremendous sense of serenity would transcend over me after wards...I had finally made my way back Home. Back to my Source. Back to my relationship with my Creator, My Father in Heaven.

When I made Aliyah, that fire was growing and going strong. The passion and the near zealousness were palpable. I felt like my feet were planted firmly on the ground, while my mind, my heart and my soul were transcending the heavens...

A few years after making Aliyah, I had reached a plateau and was what I would call "cruising on the road of Yiddishkeit". I was in a standstill. Not growing...Not seeking to...Just kind of stagnant. And then I went through a very difficult year with a very painful and disappointing relationship. I saw that year as a wake up call. G-d was right there, waiting for me to turn to Him. To pour out my heart to Him. To ask Him for more help and guidance in finding the right person to spend the rest of my life with...

And then I met Hubby. And I felt that spark I had felt years before...Except this time, my G-dly spark was pushing me to want to grow in a different way...To become a better person...To continually develop my relationship with important people in my life. At the time, it still felt like I was kind of cruising and not doing much to develop my relationship with G-d...

Now I'm a wife and a STAHI (Stay at Home Ima). Now instead of waking up in the morning and immediately creating a quiet space for long and meaningful praying time to Abaleh (Hubby's & my nickname for G-d), I make Hubby a bag of healthy snacks for his day before he runs out the door. Then I make a lunch for my boy for his day at preschool. There are good morning hugs and kisses to be given to the little ones; dirty diapers to be changed; breakfasts to prepare and be eaten...It is only after I get home with my baby girl, after we've dropped my boy off at preschool, that I can even contemplate standing before my Maker and thanking him for another wonderful day. Sometimes a sense of guilt sets in..."Gosh, I don't pray enough"...or"I wish I could spend more time in synagogue"...Or "It's so sad that my Avodat Hashem (my worship of G-d) is suffering so much"...

In recent weeks, I have started going to a Torah class with my baby every Wednesday morning. It's geared towards new young mothers and we all bring our babies. All of us are G-d fearing and G-d loving Jewish women, learning to find the perfect balance in our lives between being good wives, good mothers and good Jews. Yesterday, the woman giving over the class began by asking us to each count and say how many mitzvot (commandments) we had each fulfilled that morning before arriving to the class...That question just made my light bulb go on( or as we say in Hebrew, Nafal HaAseemon). It's not that G-d forbid, my Avodat Hashem is suffering or dwindling...Nothing like that. In fact, Hubby always tells me "Ha Osek Be'Mitzvah Patur Mi'Mitzvah"...When you fulfill one commandment, you are exempt from another one. So the fact that I don't spend the same amount of time in deep meditative prayer does not mean that my relationship with G-d is in trouble G-d forbid...Quite the contrary. I feel tremendously blessed that G-d has entrusted Hubby and me with two of  His precious Jewels (our kids) and that He believes in us enough to raise them in His ways. My relationship with G-d is now at it's highest peak EVER. He is trusting me to raise the next generation of Jews. What a tremendous honor.

With Love,

Cigal