The Heart of Parenting

She's thrown herself on the floor in the supermarket because she wants the sugar cereal that you don't want to buy her. He's jumping up and down flailing his arms because he wants to go to the park right at dinner time and you want him to eat first. Your toddler is melting down completely, screaming, crying, kicking, punching. People are watching you and measuring you up as a parent. You want to dig a hole in the ground and bury yourself in it...You're embarrassed. You want to put a muzzle on your child and drag him/her out of the public scene. As parents, we've all gone through some or all of these things.


Here's a thought.  What would happen if we shut off the rest of the world around us and pretended we were all alone with our toddler when one of these melt downs was happening? What if we just gave them a big hug and told them we love them? What if instead of wanting to muzzle them, we recognized that the sweet little person in front of us was trying to cope with some very big feelings and that it was too hard for them to hold it together right at that minute?


When our child is in the middle of an emotional upheaval, our first instinct may be to set limits, blame, shame, accuser, ridicule, preach or moralize.What would happen, if instead, we would put ourselves in their tiny shoes and respond accordingly?


Our toddler would then feel heard. As an adult, when I feel heard, I feel understood. When I feel understood, I'm much less likely to become defensive or to emotionally "check out". How much more so for a small child...


"Good parenting begins in your heart, and then continues on a moment -to-moment basis by engaging your children when feelings run high, when they are sad, angry or scared. The heart of parenting is being there in a particular way when it really counts"-John Gottman.