A Letter to Hashem

Dear Hashem,

As you know, today is Memorial Day, Yom HaZikaron, the day we remember our fallen soldiers and our victims of terror. Last night, Hubby and I went to a ceremony where fifth grade boys read letters from fallen soldiers, chapters from Psalms and in their sweet, beautiful and innocent voices, they sang songs about war, loss, pain and grieving families.

As I stood there, silent(it was standing room only), various names kept popping into  my head. Eden Atias. Ro'i Klein. Yehoshua Friedberg. Nachshon Waxman. Yoni Netanyahu...Each one of them a whole world on their own merit...Yet there have been 23,169 military casualties, counted from the year 1860. And then there are the victims of terror. Asher & Yonatan Palmer. The Merkaz HaRav Massacre. The Fogels. Koby Mandell & Yosef Ishran. And the list goes on and on. And the tears that our nation cries every year can fill oceans.

As the beautiful young boys were singing, I looked at each one of them and pictured each one of them doing what young boys love to do...Riding their bikes, playing soccer, learning Torah with their fathers, secretly going for hugs from their mothers (when none of their friends can see). And then I thought about my three beautiful children, sleeping peacefully and soundly in their beds, with one of their favorite babysitters right there for them if they needed anything.

Hashem, when Eden, Ro'i, Yehoshua, Nachshon and Yoni put on their Tzahal uniforms every morning, they did so with pride. These young men loved their people and they loved their country, so much so that they were willing to die in order to let us live.

I can't stop crying as I write you this letter, Hashem. These young men in uniform...They were only just boys...

I moved to this beautiful land because I know deep in my heart and in my soul that this is where You want me to be. This is where You wanted me to meet my Hubby and this is where You wanted me to marry him. This is where You want us raise our children. This is the ONLY place in the entire universe that You want me to strengthen my connection to You. The ONLY place in the entire universe where you want my children to learn, grow and build their own lives. And so we are here. And so today I sob with the rest of the country. And today my broken heart aches for all the grieving mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, grandmothers and grandfathers.And today, I imagine the day that I'll be kissing my own children dressed in uniforms, proud as can be and already counting the days, minutes and seconds until the day they return to my loving embrace.

 I recognize that You have given us a jewel BEYOND jewels...A diamond BEYOND diamonds..This tiny, beautiful land of ours. And I really want to do my share in protecting its beauty and its sanctity.I want to make you proud..Hashem, please....I beg You. Keep our people safe. Keep our young boys and young girls free from harm. Haven't we cried enough tears throughout the generations? When will our nation FINALLY merit true Redemption???

With all my love,

Cigal

Hug-A-Child Day (Dedicated to My Father, a Hidden Child of the Holocaust)

Last night, Hubby and I watched the live ceremony of Holocaust Memorial Day at Yad Vashem from the comfort of our couch. As is the case every year, 6 survivors are invited to light a torch in order to commemorate the 6 million who perished during the Holocaust. As I sat there watching and listening to the survivors share their stories, I was struck with so much awe, respect and admiration for these heroes. They are all the epitome of resilience and have literally risen from the ashes.

This morning, I sat at the table with my kids and we ate breakfast, facing the gorgeous forest and quarry that surrounds us here in our town of Beit Shemesh, in the Land of Israel. I smiled as my kids answered "Amen" to my blessings on the food, as well as when I answered in kind to theirs. And I felt THEIR loving presence with us, as I very often do. My three angels. My paternal grandmother, grandfather and uncle, all murdered at the hands of the Nazis. How many millions of families torn apart? How many beautiful and innocent children whose Mommies and Daddies were stolen from them, never to be returned?

After I dropped my older two off at their respective preschools, my baby and I went to visit a friend of mine who just had her second baby, to offer some love, support and strength, and to remind her that she was made for this holy role of Mommy. As we left her apartment, the famous Holocaust Memorial Day siren went off and I found my thoughts to be so very different than they ever were on this very sombre day on the Jewish calendar.

I grew up hearing horror stories from my Dad and his sisters. Dad was only six years old when he was all alone to face the big scary world(his two sisters were together during the war, and Dad and his brother were together until his brother was murdered)...My father was only a year and a half older than my eldest. My uncle was exactly his age. UNFATHOMABLE.

When I was 16, I was the brave trailblazer in my family to walk into Auschwitz first, on the March of the Living. I went to the archives and found my grandparents' transfer cards. And I imagined the hell on earth they experienced until their brutal deaths. Those thoughts have continued to creep into my thoughts at many times over the years. Especially on Holocaust Memorial Day. Every single Holocaust Memorial Day I can remember has been filled with tears, pain and asking WHY?. That is NOT the case today.

Today, I feel strong. Today, I feel resilient. My angels are with me and I feel proud for choosing the life that I have chosen for myself and my family. I am a proud Jewish woman. I keep the Sabbath and the holidays like my grandparents did. I keep the Laws of Family Purity like they did. And I'm doing all that in OUR LAND. The Land that G-d promised to the Jewish People. I KNOW that my holy grandparents are looking down at my family and smiling. I feel a little bit wistful; how much would I love to host them around my Shabbat table and feed them all their favorite delicacies in honor of the Sabbath Queen? But somehow, I feel their spirits with us every Sabbath and every holiday.

And that is my revenge. I have three beautiful angels watching over me, who were murdered for their only crime of being Jewish. I have three beautiful JEWISH children, Thank G-d( BA"H). I will raise them to be G-d Loving/ G-d Fearing Jews. One day, with G-d's help, they too, will have children of their own, and the legacy will continue on and on until eternity.

So to my Holy Jewish Brothers and Sisters, wipe your tears away. We are a nation of Builders. A nation of Survivors. Hitler tried to destroy us, but he couldn't because we are unbreakable. Go out there and hug children today. For they are the future generation of Am Yisrael.

Am Yisrael Chai...Long Live the Nation of Israel!

He's Waiting for US

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"-Albert Einstein.

As much as I love my nation and as proud I am to be part of Am Yisrael, I truly feel that we are INSANE. The Gemara is a component of the Talmud,the central text of Rabbinic Judaism. It comprises rabbinical analysis of and commentary on the Mishnah(oral traditions). States the Talmud (Yoma 9b): "Why was the Second Temple destroyed? Because of Sinat Chinam, senseless hatred of one Jew for another." G-d is very forgiving of sins we might commit against Him, but He has much less tolerance for the sins we commit against our fellow Jews. The antidote to this senseless hatred is Ahavat Chinam . The Jews have to learn to love their fellow Jews and there is no hope for us until we all learn how to communicate with each other, and respect each other, regardless of our differences.

For the last month, the amount of Sinat Chinam in my neighborhood has made me want to scream and cry. The mud slinging. The slander. The gossip. Today the municipal elections take place. I have already fulfilled my civic duty and pray that G-d blesses whoever wins with tremendous strength and wisdom to renew and improve the reputation of my city.


To my holy brothers and sisters, let's stop the judgement. Let's stop the hatred. We must stop the slander and the gossip. Let's stop assuming the worst of the woman who doesn't cover her hair or who wears pants. Or the man who doesn't wear a kippa. We don't know what their accounting with G-d is. They may be much higher up on the mitzvah scale than we'll EVER be. We've seen G-d's wrath in every generation since the spies came back and told unfathomable lies about the Land of Israel. Our people cried and cried, as they believed the evil report instead of trusting G-d. Ever since that fateful night, Hashem, our Father in Heaven, kept His word that He would provide us a reason to cry for generations to come. The spies, the Expulsion from Spain, The Destruction of the Temples, The Expulsion from Gush Katif(more recently)....How much more proof do we need that we are insane?


We keep talking about Mashiach...We want him to come and to put an end to all the pain and the troubles that we experience. How can we expect him to redeem us in the state that we're in??? It feels like we haven't learned a single thing from our sins. And yet, there is NO DOUBT in my mind that Hashem is ready and eager to send us Mashiach. We just don't deserve him yet.


Let's change that. Let's make it a point to befriend people who are very different than us. Let's invite more people over to our homes for Shabbat and chagim. Let's be very generous with compliments and very careful and stingy with criticism. Let's bring joy, love and light into our world instead of bringing more darkness. Let's make Abaleh(our Father in Heaven) proud of us and proud of the achdut( unity) that we continue to build on a minute-by- minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month and year-to-year basis. I for one, am looking forward to the day that Mashiach comes, because I will know that I did my share in making Abaleh proud of me.

With Love,

Cigal

tInsanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alberteins133991.html#FXc5J3wCsjXPFMCC.99

That Little Voice Within

When school started, we placed our oldest child (3 1/2 years old) in a government run preschool, free of charge and with 34 other kids. In that first week, there was a little voice within me, saying" This is not the best choice for your boy...The private gan you checked out last year would be a much better fit". But I ignored that little voice and he started class in the government run school. Within 3 days, something happened that made that Little Voice Within SCREAM at me to switch the boy to the private preschool. So I did. And my child is ECSTATIC to go every single day.

Last night, there was a family wedding that we were meant to attend. The plan was to take the older two and leave the baby with a babysitter. The day before yesterday, the baby had gotten three immunization shots and had had a very rough night. He and I had not slept a wink. My hubby was really counting on all of us attending the wedding so yesterday am, I told him I'd wait and see how the baby was acting until noon and then decide, but that Little Voice Within was again SCREAMING at me that the little man would really need his Ema and would not be happy to be left with a babysitter. He seemed to be in better spirits during the day, so I was actually contemplating to stick with the original program of taking the older two and leaving him home. But then came that Little Voice Within again and I just knew I had to listen to it, even though it would be a disappointment to my Hubby. So of he went to the wedding without us and, lo and behold, the little man's immunizations began to drive him crazy. My poor little baby was sobbing non stop for HOURS and it took me forever to console him to the point where he allowed himself to drift away into a deep and peaceful sleep(that unfortunately he awoke from and was again inconsolable for a couple of hours in the middle of the night). Once again, more proof about the unfailing Little Voice Within.


As mothers, we are constantly second guessing ourselves, wondering what would be best for our children, feeling guilty about our choices, hoping we made the right choice, worrying that we didn't. But Mamas, we DO KNOW what's best for our children. That Little Voice Within will never steer us wrong. It's called the Mommy Intuition to some and in my view, it is my Bina Yetera, that extra bit of wisdom that Hashem(G-d) blessed every woman with. Mommies, let's do ourselves and our children a big favor and listen to that Little Voice Within more often. It knows what's best for us and our families.

With Love,

Cigal

The Heart of Parenting

She's thrown herself on the floor in the supermarket because she wants the sugar cereal that you don't want to buy her. He's jumping up and down flailing his arms because he wants to go to the park right at dinner time and you want him to eat first. Your toddler is melting down completely, screaming, crying, kicking, punching. People are watching you and measuring you up as a parent. You want to dig a hole in the ground and bury yourself in it...You're embarrassed. You want to put a muzzle on your child and drag him/her out of the public scene. As parents, we've all gone through some or all of these things.


Here's a thought.  What would happen if we shut off the rest of the world around us and pretended we were all alone with our toddler when one of these melt downs was happening? What if we just gave them a big hug and told them we love them? What if instead of wanting to muzzle them, we recognized that the sweet little person in front of us was trying to cope with some very big feelings and that it was too hard for them to hold it together right at that minute?


When our child is in the middle of an emotional upheaval, our first instinct may be to set limits, blame, shame, accuser, ridicule, preach or moralize.What would happen, if instead, we would put ourselves in their tiny shoes and respond accordingly?


Our toddler would then feel heard. As an adult, when I feel heard, I feel understood. When I feel understood, I'm much less likely to become defensive or to emotionally "check out". How much more so for a small child...


"Good parenting begins in your heart, and then continues on a moment -to-moment basis by engaging your children when feelings run high, when they are sad, angry or scared. The heart of parenting is being there in a particular way when it really counts"-John Gottman.

The Blessings in The Broken Teenager

When I was in high school, a Jewish day school in Montreal, I never knew where the taunts, sneers or cruel words would come from on any given day. My tormentors were ruthless. Every single day, one or all of them would find a way to make my heart ache. Piece by piece, I felt my soul begin to crack and I remember asking myself on a regular basis what I had done to deserve all that venom that seemed to ooze out of their pores and flood me. I was a little on the chubby side, a nice kid who wouldn't hurt a fly, teachers loved me and I got good grades. In their eyes, I was a geek, a goody-two-shoes, a teachers pet...Thank G-d for a few wonderful friends who were always there and who stood by my side throughout all those hellish years.

I used to wonder why the teachers never said or did anything about the ruthless bullying that I was not the only victim of. I used to wonder how my tormentors could stand to look at themselves in the mirror every night before they went to sleep or when they woke up in the morning. I couldn't share my agony with my parents for various reasons, so in essence, I was all alone, trying to fend off the vicious sneers, snarls and cruel remarks and it seemed that my shield of armor was not going to serve me long enough for the full protection that I needed. This went on from Grade 7 until Grade 11. Grade 11 was graduating year (in Montreal you graduate high school in grade 11 and then you're off to CEGEP, 2 years pre-university).

The intensity and frequency of the bullying seemed to be reduced significantly, but I remained scared, on guard and eager to begin my adventure on the Tel Aviv University Overseas Student program. I had won a scholarship for having the highest Hebrew marks in my grade and I was determined to start a new page, and that, I did. Suddenly I was one of the popular kids. I was 2 or 3 years younger than the other kids on the program. Suddenly, everyone wanted to hang out with me, cut classes with me and teach me all the other cool (and naughty) things in life. I was on a high. It was during that year that I was able to really take a good look at myself and who I was. I was able to think about my treacherous high school years and recognize that the bullying was not my fault and that my tormentors were the real problem. That scared and tormented teen was no longer there. Instead, a happy, confident friendly and outgoing young woman came out of her shell and I thank G-d every day for giving me all that strength and courage to keep going. Nowadays, unfortunately, we hear about these young teens who are so bullied that they give up and take their own lives. There is absolutely no judgement from me. It could have very easily been me. Sometimes I wonder how my tormentors would have lived with themselves had that happened. Truth is, I am eternally grateful now for my hellish experiences in high school.

After Tel Aviv, I returned to Montreal to pursue studies in educational psychology, which later led me to become a school counselor. And I was in those trenches, never turning a blind eye from those bullied kids and teens. I can smell bullying from a million miles away and like a thirsty bloodhound I am right there, working with the bully, the bullied and the bystanders.

This past week, my graduating class got together for a high school reunion and my dear friend who has been more like my sister since we were 7 was the organizer so she brought her large screen laptop so that she could skype me and so that I could feel like I was there, too. Unfortunately they couldn't hear me and I couldn't hear them, but seeing their faces right there in front of me was a very eye opening experience.

As I was sitting in my living room in Israel at 6:15am, with my baby on my lap and my other little angels sleeping soundly in their room right next to us, I was surprised by the emotions that I felt as she passed the laptop around to various former classmates.

I realized that I truly am blessed with a very forgiving heart and soul. In that room, I spotted at least 5 of my tormentors. And even with the sound off, I could vividly recall their loud taunts and sneers from years before. We are now in Aseret Yemey Teshuva, The Ten Days of Repentance between Rosh Hashana(The Jewish New Year ) and Yom Kippur (The Day of Atonement). For the umpteenth time, I was able to see the blessings in the broken teenager that I once was. G-d willing, I hope and I pray that my sweet and precious diamonds(my kids) never ever have to endure the kind of agony I did as a child/teen, but if G-d forbid they encounter any of it, their Mama is right here and has been there and done that:)

Just Do It!

As I hug and kiss my little ones today, my heart hurts. As I feed my baby a warm bottle of milk, his tiny little hands holding onto the bottle along with mine, and as I hear his precious coos, tears stream down my face. The aching heart and the tears are for my dear friend Pamela who passed way 2 days before my baby entered this world. Pamela was a beautiful young mother of two precious children ages 2 1/2 and 8 months (at the time). She was diagnosed with very aggressive forms of cancer and 6 weeks later, she was gone, leaving painful empty spaces in the hearts of everyone who knew and loved her...Myself included.

Today and many other days, she's on my mind and in my heart, for I too, am a mother of three precious little ones(the oldest is 3 years old and the youngest is almost 5 months old)...

In the last 6 months, 2 dear friends of mine have lost their battles and it seems that every week I learn of a new friend or acquaintance who just got diagnosed, with either breast cancer, ovarian cancer, stomach cancer, or brain cancer. That evil monster seems to be rearing its ugly head in every corner I turn and its victims seem to be getting younger and younger.

As a religious Jew, I cry out to G-d and ask him "Why, Hashem??? Why are you taking such beautiful young mothers away from their precious families?" and then I remember a shiur( a class) I went to many years ago, where the rabbi had encouraged us to change the way we talk to G-d. Instead of asking "Lama?"(Why?), we should ask "Leh'Ma?"(For what purpose). So that is what I ask G-d" For what purpose are these young mothers being taken away so soon?". I don't have the answers, but I trust that G-d, in His Infinite Goodness and Wisdom, has His reasons.

One thing I do know is that there's such a thing as early detection of the Monster and taking control of one's life whenever possible. And I know that early detection has saved many lives. And that G-d willing, many more lives will be saved. And so today, I'm going for a mammogram. I know that Pamela would have been all for it if she were here. And I know that all the wonderful special mamas out there who are fighting their brave battles would say the same.

As scary as it is and as scared as I am, I'm gonna do it. For the sake of my husband, our children and all the special mamas who inspire me every day with their tremendous strength and courage.

May G-d be with all of us!

With Love,

Cigal