I hate conflict. And I mean HATE. It makes my stomach turn and causes me to lose sleep at night. For example, Hubby and I never go to sleep angry at eachother and if there's something we're unhappy about, we talk about it face to face...NEVER on the phone. I think we have this part of our relationship down pat. We've obviously got lots to learn, as we've only been married 3 years (this august) but our communication is definitely off to a good start.
I am also a true believer and advocate for forgiveness. Sometimes we have a disagreement with a sibling, a parent, a close friend,or a spouse and things are said in the heat of the moment. Both sides are hurt. Both egos are bruised. Sometimes these disagreements are based on years and years of built up anger and resentment. Or on feelings that were never openly discussed or were swept under the rug.Sometimes it's all based on a misunderstanding. And sometimes, in the midst of all the anger, lies a feeling of wistfulness, a wish that things hadn't gone so far...And that if only the other person would try handing out an olive branch, I might consider forgiving them.
G-d teaches us to love peace and chase it...To be Ohev Shalom v'Rodef Shalom. I try very hard to live my life that way. I have had my share of disagreements with friends and family. And like I said at the beginning of this post, I HATE conflict. In times of conflict, especially when it involves a person I love and care about, I will always stop and ask myself: "What have I said and/or done to contribute to this very painful and difficult conflict I am in right now?". I will always come up with something. Maybe I was unclear in my communication. Maybe I showed a lack of hakarat ha'tov (appreciation). Maybe I said or did something thoughtless and/or insensitive...The list of possible contributions can go on and on. The important thing, I think, is showing empathy. Putting myself in the other person's shoes and asking myself : If I were them, how would I be feeling right now, with everything that's been said and done?
Sometimes, we can offer an olive branch and be rejected.That can really hurt, but then at least you know you tried to remove the ill feelings that continue to grow between you and another person. Sometimes we offer that olive branch more than once and continue to be rejected. From a Torah perspective, we are required to ask for forgiveness three times before we're off the hook from trying to fix the relationship.
The biggest intruder, that in my opinion, has NO place in human relationships, is EGO. Ego can destroy so many potentially beautiful friendships and relationships...I would have to agree with Elton John here, that "Sorry seems to be the hardest word"....But the hardest things in life offer us the most chance for personal growth and for becoming exceptional people. I am a BIG believer in the word "SORRY". Forgiveness is the biggest gift one can give and receive from another person.
My dear readers, if there is someone in your life whom you have loved and cherished in the depths of your heart at some point in your life, someone whom you feel did you wrong, someone whom you feel has hurt you very deeply, try to imagine what it would feel like to let go of all those painful feelings of hurt, anger and resentment, and replacing them with forgiveness. Imagine recognizing that no one is perfect.; that we all make mistakes and that sometimes, unfortunately, we hurt the ones we love the most. Holding on to hurt, anger and resentment only hurts US in the long run. Sometimes these negative feelings develop a life and a power of their own and we have to think back really hard about what the actual catalyst was.
Don't be afraid to ask for forgiveness. Don't be afraid to share what your hurt feelings are about. Leave your ego at the door. This won't mean that you're weak or a pushover. It'll mean exactly the opposite. You are a strong person who no longer wants to carry the heavy burden of anger on your shoulders. You are brave. You are courageous. And you would much rather rebuild that loving relationship/friendship that went by the wayside, than allowing it to be consumed by anger, hurt and resentment.
Forgive and be forgiven.
With Love,
Cigal
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