It's All For The Best

"No" is a difficult word to hear. It's often also a very difficult word to say.

When we ask someone for something and their answer is "no", often times we feel hurt, disappointed and maybe even a little angry or resentful. When someone asks us for a favor, sometimes we say "yes",  even though we really wanted to say no and other times, we may say "no" and be filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, as though saying "no" made us bad people.

When we discipline our kids, we say "no" to more sweets if we think they'd had enough that day. We say "no" if our child wants to play on the computer before he/she has completed homework. We say "no" to our teenager who wants to take the car overnight, when he/she is a brand new driver; we would like to see him/her practice driving more before allowing him/her to take the car for so many hours. Sometimes our kids show us that we need to be more flexible and that "no" doesn't need to be" no forever", but "no for now". Sometimes our kids come up with valid arguments that make us reconsider and say "yes". Sometimes they think we hate them. Other times, they think they hate us. Sometimes, tough love is the way to go. Sometimes, simple words of encouragement and a big hug are the best answer.

I believe that G-d works the same way. Our Father in Heaven loves each and every one of us, just like a parent loves their child.Sometimes, we beg and plead with G-d for various things and we don't get them. In dark times, we might think He hates us. We might think we hate Him. We might wonder why He never answers us; why when we behave so nicely, trying to be good people, well behaved, kind to others around us, we still don't get what we've been asking for...

Both of our kids were born tongue tied (with short frenulums). Right as we left the hospital after each birth, we brought each child to an expert who clipped their frenulums. For each child, we were required to do tongue exercises for the week that followed, which would open and re-open the wound, causing more pain to our sweet and innocent newborn babies. As parents, it was heart wrenching to do these exercises, knowing that we were causing additional pain to our children(clipping the frenulums felt like MORE than enough pain to inflict on the poor little darlings...). But then, one night, after doing the exercises with our baby girl, Hubby said a line that stuck with me and will likely stick for years to come. He told our baby girl:" Remember, Honey, we're not doing this TO you...We're doing it FOR you". (So that you can nurse more efficiently, thrive more, be on target developmentally, etc)...It's all for the best.

I can imagine that when G-d gives us trials and tribulations to face and overcome, as much as they hurt us and cause us pain and suffering, G-d feels our pain and He hurts, too. No parent likes seeing their child suffer.

Our sweet and innocent babies' cries pierced right into Hubby's and my heart and we hated every minute of those tongue exercises, but we got through them by reminding ourselves that although they were hurting and suffering at that moment, it would all turn out for the best in the long run, which it did, Thank G-d. Both kids were able to latch on like champions and reap the tremendous rewards of breastfeeding. Our baby girl continues to reap those rewards on a daily/nightly basis.

G-d doesn't give pain and heartache TO us. He gives it FOR us. So that we can grow. So that we can become better and stronger people. Everything He does is for the best.

With Love,

Cigal

Age is just a number

I feel like I've celebrated my 30th birthday 9 times.

Wherever I go and whomever I meet, people always chop a few years off my age when I ask them to guess how old I am. When I was 18 and people thought I was 14, I hated it.  When I was 21 and people thought I was 16, it annoyed me.When I was 25 and people thought I was 18, I wished I could look older...Now I love that no one can ever guess my real age...

Today I took the kids to gymboree at the community center down the street. It's a perfect opportunity for my sweet, energetic and precocious little boy to use up some of his boundless energy. My little girl typically sleeps in the stroller while I watch the little guy climb, roll, run around and have the time of his life.

It's also a great opportunity for moms to meet up and shoot the breeze for an hour plus.

Today, I found myself shooting the breeze with a couple of mamas when the subject of age came up (it was one of the mamas' birthdays). In my typical fashion, when asked how old I am, I asked them to guess. The guess was 32. My first response was: "Wow, can I hug you?". When I told them my age(39), they were shocked. So much so, that in unison, all I could hear was "Shut up! No way! You're lying!". To think that twenty years ago, that response would have been insulting...Both women went on to say that I look and act so much younger...

In 1999, I married my high school sweetheart. During our marriage, I started to feel a strong pull towards being observant( I didn't grow up religious). It became clear very early on, that if I wanted to go on that kind of spiritual journey, I was on my own. My husband had no interest in joining me. Each one of us tried compromising, but after some time, we admitted the painful truth: that we weren't making compromises, but rather we were COMPROMISING who we each were as people. After two very painful years of trying to square a circle, we decided that we needed to let each other go. And we did.The end of my first marriage was the beginning of me finding the true calling of my heart and soul...A life of committed and passionate Judaism. A life of TRUTH.

I went to Jewish day schools from my elementary years all the way through high school, so I had a good baseline to start from. In elementary school, they had taught us how to pray, so when I started praying every day, all the tunes and melodies I had learned as a child came back to me in a hurry...It was as though they were all stored in a safe place deep within my soul, just waiting for the spark to be ignited. In 2004, equipped with the belief and the knowledge that the only real home for a Jew is Israel, I got on a plane, left my very comfortable life in Vancouver and made Aliyah (moved to Israel). Three and a half years later, when I was almost 37, I met my husband, a sweet and kind FFB(FrummieFromBirth: he grew up in a religious home). On Aug 11, 2008, exactly 4 years TO THE DAY since I had made Aliyah, I married my soul mate. The man who is the father of my two precious babies. The man who values the Truth as much as I do. The man whose ideals and values are so much in sync with mine...

August is a busy month. It'll be seven years since I made Aliyah. Three years since I married Hubby. And on August 9th, although I truly feel like my life began when I married my husband, I will be turning forty. WOW. It's hard to even SAY that number.

I have a one and a half year old and a three month old. I don't feel a day older than 30.  I feel young. I feel like G-d blesses me with tremendous strength and a lot of youthfulness on a daily basis. I truly believe that attitude and outlook are the key ingredients for how old we appear to the world around us.

After all, age really is just a number.

With Love,

Cigal

The Third Temple

Today is the 17th of Tammuz, a fast day, and the beginning of three weeks of mourning for the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. It is is said the Second Temple was destroyed by Sinat Chinam, senseless hatred between Jews.



Our Sages tell us that any generation that the Temple was not rebuilt in must be guilty of the same sins that caused it to be destroyed in the first place. That makes me very sad. It means that the Jewish people continue to make the same mistakes over and over again, and that we still do not merit our Third Temple, something we've all longed for and prayed for, for thousands of years...

We need to wake up and learn from our mistakes! We need to turn that senseless hatred into Ahavat Chinam, senseless love! We need to show more compassion, caring and patience for our fellow Jews. We need to look for ways to help a fellow Jew in pain, to encourage and support him/her with our words and our actions.We need to seek out opportunities to do kind deeds for a fellow Jew. To forgive a fellow Jew who did us wrong. To ask for forgiveness of those we've wronged. To be very careful about our speech(ie. stop the gossip and the slander). Each and every one of us has a contribution to make. We are all part of Klal Yisrael and who knows which one of us will tip the scale in the Heavens, making G-d decide that we are FINALLY ready...That the time has come and that we FINALLY merit the Third Temple.


It is said that all who mourn the destruction of Jerusalem will merit the celebration of her rebirth...I for one, pray that at the very least, if Hubby and I aren't around to merit it, our kids will be. It's time for all of us to take active roles in making that happen.

With Love,

Cigal

The Glass is Half Full

I have a blessed life, thank G-d.

I live in MY country...The land that G-d gave me and my people. I have a loving husband who would do anything for me and two beautiful precious babies who fill my life with joy, laughter and challenges that make me a stronger and better person when I overcome them.

Sometimes, after a long day with the kids, unfortunately, I can lose sight of just how incredibly blessed I am. Instead of remembering the outpouring of blessings that I'm surrounded by, I'm focused on the fact that all my close friends with babies live too far away.That I can't see them on a regular basis, as we don't have a car. That shlepping two babies on public transportation by myself gives me the heebie jeebies. I'm focused on the small apartment we live in where my big boy has very little room to roam and explore in. I'm focused on the fact that he hardly ate anything that day. Or that my baby girl cried a lot. Or that the kids hardly napped. I'm focused on the fact that Hubby slept through the night and I haven't done that since before I was pregnant with our first.

Being a wife and an Ima are both TREMENDOUS brachot( blessings). Every minute of every day, I am given opportunities to grow and improve as both a wife and as an Ima. Sometimes I grab those opportunities and succeed, while other times I fail miserably. I guess it's all part of  learning how to balance a relatively new marriage ( three years on Aug 11th) and two babies under the age of 1 1/2.

So after a long day with the kids, instead of focusing on the fact that all my close friends with babies live far away, I am slowly working on developing friendships with women with babies who live within walking distance. Instead of focusing on the small apartment we live in, where my big boy has very little room to roam and explore in, I am grateful that we can provide our kids with lots of toys and activities to keep them busy and I look for opportunities to take them out to the park in order to roam free. So what if my boy hardly ate that day? He obviously wasn't hungry. He's very expressive and great at letting his Ima know what he wants or doesn't want. If he was hungry, he would have eaten. So, my baby girl cried a lot. Okay. She just wants her Ima to hold her, caress her and tell her she's loved. So, Hubby slept through the night again. Lucky him. He's blessed with the ability to zone the world out and get a restful sleep. I could really learn from him...

One of G-d's many missions for me is to work on and improve my Hakarat HaTov( gratitude). To look at my life EXACTLY as it is and to be grateful for all of it. Hubby is a champion of Hakarat HaTov...If there were a medal for it, he'd win First Place over everyone I know. He expresses gratitude on a daily basis for even the smallest of things (like that I washed his undershirts...Or that I changed the sheets on our bed). If I bought a sweet watermelon, he is thankful. If someone gave him a ride from the train, he's filled with gratitude. "Thank you" just rolls off his smiling lips with so much ease... I have so much to learn from him in this department...

It's all a matter of perspective. One can focus on all the things lacking in their lives or on all the abundance of blessings that surround them.

I choose to view my glass as half full and I thank G-d that I married the perfect man to help me improve that quality.


With Love,
Cigal

G-d's Hand

There are things in this world that we will never understand...Like why children get terminal illnesses and die at young ages...Like why a sweet and innocent child like Leiby Kletzky, Z"L, is the victim of an incomprehensible and gruesome murder...Like why the Holocaust happened and destroyed the lives of millions...Like why some people wait many years for their other half to appear and why others find him/her at a young age...Like why some people are blessed with children while others continually pray for children that never come...

Only G-d knows why. And He has His reasons that we can't (and shouldn't even attempt) to understand. As a believer and as someone who has experienced quite a few trials and tribulations myself, I can say that from my darkest places came my brightest rays of  light. When we are wandering in the darkness, feeling lost and like no one is listening to our anguished prayers, it can often feel like there is no light up ahead. But just as G-d created darkness, He also created light...


Hubby and I share a favorite dvar Torah about when G-d was talking to Moses on Mt. Sinai. Hashem told him "You will never see My face, but you will always see My back"....When we are in the middle of a storm, when our lives seem to be falling apart, we don't see G-d. We only see the pain, the heartache, the tragedy...It's only after the storm subsides that we can see G-d's Hand in everything that's happened to us and only then do we realize that as painful as it was, ultimately, G-d had our best interests at heart right from the very beginning...


I feel tremendously blessed to have witnessed many revealed miracles in my life...Miracles where it was SO clear and obvious to me that G-d had orchestrated every single step and that I was EXACTLY where I was supposed to be at the EXACT time I was supposed to be there.

 May you all experience revealed miracles on a daily basis...


With Love,
Cigal

The Reflection in the Water

I am a big fan of Sefer Mishlei, The Book of Proverbs. I owe that to a very special teacher of mine at Darche Noam's Midreshet Rachel V'Chaya Seminary in Jerusalem. My favorite quote is in Mishlei 27:19, "K'Mayim Panim El Panim, Ken Lev Adam L'Adam...As water reflects a face back to a face, so one's heart is reflected back to him by another". When we look into a pond, what would we like to see reflected back at us? A smile or a frown? Obviously a smile...

I always try to make sure that the expression on my face be one that I'd want reflected back at me by someone else.  If I have a sad, grumpy or angry face, that is the face that I reflect to my husband, my children and any other person I come in contact with.

Sometimes it's hard to put a smile on...If I just got treated unkindly by an impatient bank teller, or a grumpy cab driver just yelled at me, my first instinct would be to respond in kind. To be unkind and impatient back. To yell back. But then what would that solve? No one wins in that scenario...

Imagine a different and much more productive scenario. Imagine I took the high road and said to the bank teller: "Wow, you must be having a really hard day today...People must be driving you crazy with questions and demands"... Imagine that when the cab driver yelled at me, I responded with" You have a really hard job, driving people all over the place in this crazy heat...I bet you get some very difficult passengers in here...".

In scenario one, everyone leaves with a bad feeling. In scenario two, I diffuse what could have turned into two very unpleasant interactions. G-d willing, I might even manage to evoke some positive feelings both from the bank teller and  from the cab driver.

If I smile and treat people with warmth, love and respect even when it feels very difficult to do so (ie. they're being rude, offensive, unkind, etc),there's a really good chance that my attitude will put a stop to their negative spiraling behaviours.

Give it a try, dear readers. Next time someone is rude or impatient with you, take them by surprise and empathize with them about their hard day/hard job. Show them warmth, love and respect. They won't expect this type of response from you, but when they get it, I can almost guarantee an almost instantaneous shift in their attitude.

Your warm, loving and respectful heart will be reflected right back at you.

With Love,

Cigal

Forgive and be forgiven

I hate conflict. And I mean HATE. It makes my stomach turn and causes me to lose sleep at night. For example, Hubby and I never go to sleep angry at eachother and if there's something we're unhappy about, we talk about it face to face...NEVER on the phone. I think we have this part of our relationship down pat. We've obviously got lots to learn, as we've only been married 3 years (this august) but our communication is definitely off to a good start.

I am also a true believer and advocate for forgiveness. Sometimes we have a disagreement with a sibling, a parent, a close friend,or a spouse and things are said in the heat of the moment. Both sides are hurt. Both egos are bruised. Sometimes these disagreements are based on years and years of built up anger and resentment. Or on feelings that were never openly discussed or were swept under the rug.Sometimes it's all based on a misunderstanding. And sometimes, in the midst of all the anger, lies a feeling of wistfulness, a wish that things hadn't gone so far...And that if only the other person would try handing out an olive branch, I might consider forgiving them.

G-d teaches us to love peace and chase it...To be Ohev Shalom v'Rodef Shalom. I try very hard to live my life that way. I have had my share of disagreements with friends and family. And like I said at the beginning of this post, I HATE conflict. In times of conflict, especially when it involves a person I love and care about, I will always stop and ask myself: "What have I said and/or done to contribute to this very painful and difficult conflict I am in right now?". I will always come up with something. Maybe I was unclear in my communication. Maybe I showed a lack of hakarat ha'tov (appreciation). Maybe I said or did something thoughtless and/or insensitive...The list of possible contributions can go on and on. The important thing, I think, is showing empathy. Putting myself in the other person's shoes and asking myself : If I were them, how would I be feeling right now, with everything that's been said and done?

Sometimes, we can offer an olive branch and be rejected.That can really hurt, but then at least you know you tried to remove the ill feelings that continue to grow between you and another person. Sometimes we offer that olive branch more than once and continue to be rejected. From a Torah perspective, we are required to ask for forgiveness three times before we're off the hook from trying to fix the relationship.

The biggest intruder, that in my opinion, has NO place in human relationships, is EGO. Ego can destroy so many potentially beautiful friendships and relationships...I would have to agree with Elton John here, that "Sorry seems to be the hardest word"....But the hardest things in life offer us the most chance for personal growth and for becoming exceptional people. I am a BIG believer in the word "SORRY". Forgiveness is the biggest gift one can give and receive from another person.

My dear readers, if there is someone in your life whom you have loved and cherished in the depths of your heart at some point in your life, someone whom you feel did you wrong, someone whom you feel has hurt you very deeply, try to imagine what it would feel like to let go of all those painful feelings of hurt, anger and resentment, and replacing them with forgiveness. Imagine recognizing that no one is perfect.; that we all make mistakes and that sometimes, unfortunately, we hurt the ones we love the most. Holding on to hurt, anger and resentment only hurts US in the long run. Sometimes these negative feelings develop a life and a power of their own and we have to think back really hard about what the actual catalyst was. 

Don't be afraid to ask for forgiveness. Don't be afraid to share what your hurt feelings are about. Leave your ego at the door. This won't mean that you're weak or a pushover. It'll mean exactly the opposite. You are a strong person who no longer wants to carry the heavy burden of anger on your shoulders. You are brave. You are courageous. And you would much rather rebuild that loving relationship/friendship that went by the wayside, than allowing it to be consumed by anger, hurt and resentment.

Forgive and be forgiven.

With Love,

Cigal

A Partner with G-d

Today was probably THE HARDEST day since our baby girl was born two months ago. Early this am, the kids and I went to Tipat Chalav( a child development/medical center) to get my baby girl an immunization. I was told that it that was going to hurt, but that it wouldn't have any side effects. WRONG. My baby girl was completely hysterical,inconsolable, unreachable. No amount of rocking, kissing, hugging, nursing could soothe her. She was actually even too upset to nurse.

This was EXTREMELY difficult for our little boy, as he's only a year and a half old and really needs his Ima's attention, too. In the beginning, he accepted that it wasn't his turn for attention, but when her cries kept continuing on and on, he started to feel upset, too.I gave him a big hug and kiss and said: "Ima is SO proud of you, my little Mitzvah Boy. You have been SO patient all morning. I'm so sorry that we didn't get to spend much quality time together. I'm gonna make you a bottle and you can go have a shluffy. Hopefully things will be much calmer when you wake up". Thank G-d he accepted this and is now sleeping soundly like a little angel.  

Meanwhile, I began to feel my frustration levels rising higher and higher with my little girl. "Why won't you stop crying already? I changed your diaper, gave you a warm bath, gave you a pain killer, held you close, sang to you, kissed you...What more can I do for you?", I asked her (as if she can answer me)...And then suddenly, it struck me. G-d was talking to me through my baby girl, telling me to just let go and trust that this too, shall pass. Finally, she calmed down enough to allow me to nurse her and while I was nursing, I found myself singing a psalm, Mizmor L'David, to her, in my softest and sweetest voice possible.

At that moment, I felt like G-d was in the room with us and that both she and I were being soothed by His presence. It was then that the idea of being a partner with G-d really rang true in my ears. Together with G-d, I was able to find the strength and the patience to soothe both my babies and allow them to fall asleep ever so peacefully like two little angels.

With Love,

Cigal

Worth a million bucks

In my opinion, a smile and a "good morning" can completely change the balance of the universe for the good.

Even before I became an Ima, I always valued the importance of a smile in order to make someone else's day even just a little bit brighter. We're talking a big smile and a "boker tov" to the street cleaner, or a big smile and a "good afternoon" to the bank teller, the cashier at the grocery store or the irritable cab driver.

We've all had bad days. We've all been in the middle of one of those days, wishing we could just crawl into bed and hide under the covers.

We live in a small city, that kind of has a yishuv, a small settlement, feel to it. There's a strong sense of community. I have a friendly relationship with all of the cashiers at the supermarket near my house. We always engage in friendly chatter when I'm at their cash. Last week, I noticed that one of the cashiers, a sweet and lovely young woman,  had tear stained cheeks and red eyes. The kids and I weren't in line at her cash, but I smiled at her from where I was standing and she gave a forced smile back. The next day, Erev Shabbat, I was there with Hubby and the kids and this time, we were in line at her cash. She looked very upset again(or still). I looked at her and said" You sweet and lovely young woman, you look sad again. You need a hug". I went around to the other side of the cash register and gave her a hug. People looked at me funny, but I didn't care. The boss of the supermarket came over to ask what happened. I said"Nothing happened. She just really needed a hug". A few days later, when we were at the store again, the lovely young cashier had on her beautiful smile again. This time when she smiled at me, it wasn't any ol' forced smile. This time it was one worth a million bucks.

What a great feeling it is, knowing that your smile brightened someone's day. Even for just a few minutes.


With Love,
Cigal

Laughter is music

We can all learn some really important and valuable life lessons from my 1 1/2 year old. This morning we started off on the wrong foot, when I gave him something to eat that he was not in the mood for and then put him in his crib with some of his favorite toys for some down time while I tended to our newborn. He was crying and crying...To an outsider, it might have sounded like he was inconsolable. But as his Ima, I knew just what to do. I put on a song he loves and went into his room dancing. Sooner than I knew it, my little boy's tears stopped and fits of giggles and laughter replaced them. My boy started dancing in his crib, clapping his hands and laughing up a storm. He'd forgotten completely that 2 minutes before, he was really upset.

How much better would our lives be if we could let go of our sadness, frustration and anger as quickly as my sweet boy did? How much happier would we all be if when we feel upset, instead of allowing those feelings to grow and confine us, we could break into some kind of fun/silly dance and all of those unproductive and limiting feelings would simply vanish into thin air?

We often don't realize it, but our kids can be our best teachers.


With Love,

Cigal