Fear

The other day, a friend of mine on Facebook posted the following:"Starting to feel like an emotional yo-yo on a string that is getting dangerously frayed. And it resonated with me. Very much.

It feels as though our Prime Minister has sold us out by accepting a ceasefire.
Israel looks weak yet again & Hamas will just take this time to re-stock. How can the government justify this to citizens under fire & to the families of the wounded & killed soldiers? I just don't understand...

It's been a very long, painful and difficult summer for all of us on both personal and national levels. Our three boys. Rockets, sirens, War. Our brothers and sisters in uniform risking their lives for us. Sweet heroes injured and killed at the hands of evil murderers. A government that seems to care more about the world's opinions of us than about us, the citizens who have a right to live in peace and safety.

I keep telling myself that there must be some big secrets that I don't know. That Bibi is doing what's best for us even though we can't see it. Even though we think it's insanity to accept a truce with terrorists, I keep praying that he sees things from a perspective that none of us Israelis will ever see or hear. I really want to trust that he has our best interests at heart, but when I think about him and his choices, I freeze in fear. So I change my train of thought and think about You, Abaleh.

You know what's best for Your Holy Nation, Am Yisrael. You love us and want what's best for us. Everything that happens is for the best. Even growing pains. Even loss and heart ache have a higher purpose. So every time fear creeps into my heart, every time I worry about my people, instead of focusing on the choices my government is making, I will continue to make the attempt to remind myself that You run the world, Abaleh. That You know EXACTLY what You're doing.

And the main thing is not to fear. והעיקר לא לפחד כלל

With Love,

Cigal

Fill The Love Tank

Since I was a kid, birthdays have always been very special to me. On birthdays, you got to choose the events of the day, you got surprises and gifts up the ying yang and in general, it was a fun and special day that was tailor made just for you.

Hubby had a very different experience with birthdays growing up. In his family, birthdays weren't such a big deal. They kind of came and went with no special way to mark them.

When we got married six years ago, our differences in this area became painfully clear. When he turned 40, I went all out and threw him a big surprise party with all his friends and family, good food and fun games. One year, he bought me a vase. Another year, a pair of earrings that I went to replace.

This year, after 5 years of being disappointed, I decided not to have any hopes or expectations. Hubby said that he wanted to take me out to our favorite restaurant for my Hebrew birthday and I really was not in the mood to go out. The war, my baby's hand saga, overwhelming exhaustion...I had a million excuses.Finally, with a tremendous amount of coaxing, he convinced me that I needed a night out, that I needed a break from the kitchen, etc.

At our favorite restaurant, he presented me with a very appreciated gift...A gift certificate for a massage, always a welcome treat for a tired, underpaid and overworked mama. I was content. And as I was sharing with him that this was the perfect gift and showing deep appreciation, suddenly behind me, I hear a loud group burst into the Hebrew version of "Happy Birthday to you" and I make nothing of it until I hear my name.

I turn around and I see my nearest and dearest friends from all over Israel. Some had driven two hours to make the surprise. My heart turned to mush as my jaw dropped. These wonderful friends whom I love. This fabulous husband whose love for me knows no bounds...Every ounce of birthday disappointment that I had ever experienced with my husband completely disappeared in one night. And it struck me. My love tank was running on empty. And knowing me like he does, Hubby came up with the perfect medicine...Bringing together my dearest friends to celebrate.

There are a few things I learned from my very special birthday this year:

1) I knew this but it became clearer than daylight that Hubby loves me deeply and would do anything to make me happy.

2) Sometimes when you don't expect anything, you get a surprise beyond your wildest dreams.

3) I have fantastic friends

4) I need to stay on top of my love tank and when it's starting to dry up, so that I know it needs a refill

With Love,

Cigal

Proud

Every day and every night, I hear our boys in fighter jets overhead and it fills me with a sense of both comfort and dread at the same time. Comfort that these holy boys and girls have been trained to protect us and dread that G-d forbid they or we should get hurt or killed.

My 4 year old has made up his own prayer to G-d for when he hears the jets overhead" Ema! Listen! It's our Chayalim(soldiers)" and then he proceeds with" Our Father in Heaven, please protect our righteous soldiers and bring them home safely and quickly without any booboos on any part of their bodies"(translated from Hebrew).

 I and all the other mothers here have done everything we could do to maintain a sense of "normalcy", by sending the kids to camps, doing mommy camps, going to gymboree, playing in the parks, and yet, our children have experienced sirens and have had to run for shelter on numerous occasions. Even the smallest of children know that there are evil people out there who want to hurt us. Their summers have been lower key than otherwise planned. Their sleeps have been interrupted in the middle of the night in order to run for shelter or be carried to shelter. I hate that there's a small part of my children's innocence that was stolen away from them. I hate the fact that this song gives them comfort https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoB1AjVCueU
I hate that the war doesn't yet feel over to me. I hate that I get a small pang of jealousy when I see pictures of friends' kids outside of Israel without a care in the world, splashing around in their lakes by their cottages or splashing around carefree in swimming pools...

But I love the fact that my beautiful Nation has truly become one giant heart & soul over the last couple of months. I thank G-d every single day that I am a part of this awe-inspiring nation. I love the fact that during the war, so many of the barriers between left and right, Ashkenazi/Sefardi, religious and not religious, Charedi and National religious seemed to have melted away. I love the way communities rallied together to bake for the soldiers, bring them toiletries, send them love letters, prayed for them, gathered at their funerals and at their shiva houses, comforted the fallen soldiers' families...There have been boundless amounts of love, support and kindness among us.

I for one just LOVE when my kids play nice together. I LOVE when they share, when they are kind to one another and put each others' needs first. I LOVE when they listen and are helpful around the house. So too, I feel, Abaleh, our Father in Heaven, really enjoys and appreciates when we show deep love, care, appreciation and compassion for our brothers and sisters. In my heart of hearts, even in the excruciating pain of all of our losses, I truly believe that we've made Abaleh proud of us.

With Love,
Cigal