She's thrown herself on the floor in the supermarket because she wants the sugar cereal that you don't want to buy her. He's jumping up and down flailing his arms because he wants to go to the park right at dinner time and you want him to eat first. Your toddler is melting down completely, screaming, crying, kicking, punching. People are watching you and measuring you up as a parent. You want to dig a hole in the ground and bury yourself in it...You're embarrassed. You want to put a muzzle on your child and drag him/her out of the public scene. As parents, we've all gone through some or all of these things.
Here's a thought. What would happen if we shut off the rest of the world around us and pretended we were all alone with our toddler when one of these melt downs was happening? What if we just gave them a big hug and told them we love them? What if instead of wanting to muzzle them, we recognized that the sweet little person in front of us was trying to cope with some very big feelings and that it was too hard for them to hold it together right at that minute?
When our child is in the middle of an emotional upheaval, our first instinct may be to set limits, blame, shame, accuser, ridicule, preach or moralize.What would happen, if instead, we would put ourselves in their tiny shoes and respond accordingly?
Our toddler would then feel heard. As an adult, when I feel heard, I feel understood. When I feel understood, I'm much less likely to become defensive or to emotionally "check out". How much more so for a small child...
"Good parenting begins in your heart, and then continues on a moment -to-moment basis by engaging your children when feelings run high, when they are sad, angry or scared. The heart of parenting is being there in a particular way when it really counts"-John Gottman.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
The Blessings in The Broken Teenager
When I was in high school, a Jewish day school in Montreal, I never knew where the taunts, sneers or cruel words would come from on any given day. My tormentors were ruthless. Every single day, one or all of them would find a way to make my heart ache. Piece by piece, I felt my soul begin to crack and I remember asking myself on a regular basis what I had done to deserve all that venom that seemed to ooze out of their pores and flood me. I was a little on the chubby side, a nice kid who wouldn't hurt a fly, teachers loved me and I got good grades. In their eyes, I was a geek, a goody-two-shoes, a teachers pet...Thank G-d for a few wonderful friends who were always there and who stood by my side throughout all those hellish years.
I used to wonder why the teachers never said or did anything about the ruthless bullying that I was not the only victim of. I used to wonder how my tormentors could stand to look at themselves in the mirror every night before they went to sleep or when they woke up in the morning. I couldn't share my agony with my parents for various reasons, so in essence, I was all alone, trying to fend off the vicious sneers, snarls and cruel remarks and it seemed that my shield of armor was not going to serve me long enough for the full protection that I needed. This went on from Grade 7 until Grade 11. Grade 11 was graduating year (in Montreal you graduate high school in grade 11 and then you're off to CEGEP, 2 years pre-university).
The intensity and frequency of the bullying seemed to be reduced significantly, but I remained scared, on guard and eager to begin my adventure on the Tel Aviv University Overseas Student program. I had won a scholarship for having the highest Hebrew marks in my grade and I was determined to start a new page, and that, I did. Suddenly I was one of the popular kids. I was 2 or 3 years younger than the other kids on the program. Suddenly, everyone wanted to hang out with me, cut classes with me and teach me all the other cool (and naughty) things in life. I was on a high. It was during that year that I was able to really take a good look at myself and who I was. I was able to think about my treacherous high school years and recognize that the bullying was not my fault and that my tormentors were the real problem. That scared and tormented teen was no longer there. Instead, a happy, confident friendly and outgoing young woman came out of her shell and I thank G-d every day for giving me all that strength and courage to keep going. Nowadays, unfortunately, we hear about these young teens who are so bullied that they give up and take their own lives. There is absolutely no judgement from me. It could have very easily been me. Sometimes I wonder how my tormentors would have lived with themselves had that happened. Truth is, I am eternally grateful now for my hellish experiences in high school.
After Tel Aviv, I returned to Montreal to pursue studies in educational psychology, which later led me to become a school counselor. And I was in those trenches, never turning a blind eye from those bullied kids and teens. I can smell bullying from a million miles away and like a thirsty bloodhound I am right there, working with the bully, the bullied and the bystanders.
This past week, my graduating class got together for a high school reunion and my dear friend who has been more like my sister since we were 7 was the organizer so she brought her large screen laptop so that she could skype me and so that I could feel like I was there, too. Unfortunately they couldn't hear me and I couldn't hear them, but seeing their faces right there in front of me was a very eye opening experience.
As I was sitting in my living room in Israel at 6:15am, with my baby on my lap and my other little angels sleeping soundly in their room right next to us, I was surprised by the emotions that I felt as she passed the laptop around to various former classmates.
I realized that I truly am blessed with a very forgiving heart and soul. In that room, I spotted at least 5 of my tormentors. And even with the sound off, I could vividly recall their loud taunts and sneers from years before. We are now in Aseret Yemey Teshuva, The Ten Days of Repentance between Rosh Hashana(The Jewish New Year ) and Yom Kippur (The Day of Atonement). For the umpteenth time, I was able to see the blessings in the broken teenager that I once was. G-d willing, I hope and I pray that my sweet and precious diamonds(my kids) never ever have to endure the kind of agony I did as a child/teen, but if G-d forbid they encounter any of it, their Mama is right here and has been there and done that:)
I used to wonder why the teachers never said or did anything about the ruthless bullying that I was not the only victim of. I used to wonder how my tormentors could stand to look at themselves in the mirror every night before they went to sleep or when they woke up in the morning. I couldn't share my agony with my parents for various reasons, so in essence, I was all alone, trying to fend off the vicious sneers, snarls and cruel remarks and it seemed that my shield of armor was not going to serve me long enough for the full protection that I needed. This went on from Grade 7 until Grade 11. Grade 11 was graduating year (in Montreal you graduate high school in grade 11 and then you're off to CEGEP, 2 years pre-university).
The intensity and frequency of the bullying seemed to be reduced significantly, but I remained scared, on guard and eager to begin my adventure on the Tel Aviv University Overseas Student program. I had won a scholarship for having the highest Hebrew marks in my grade and I was determined to start a new page, and that, I did. Suddenly I was one of the popular kids. I was 2 or 3 years younger than the other kids on the program. Suddenly, everyone wanted to hang out with me, cut classes with me and teach me all the other cool (and naughty) things in life. I was on a high. It was during that year that I was able to really take a good look at myself and who I was. I was able to think about my treacherous high school years and recognize that the bullying was not my fault and that my tormentors were the real problem. That scared and tormented teen was no longer there. Instead, a happy, confident friendly and outgoing young woman came out of her shell and I thank G-d every day for giving me all that strength and courage to keep going. Nowadays, unfortunately, we hear about these young teens who are so bullied that they give up and take their own lives. There is absolutely no judgement from me. It could have very easily been me. Sometimes I wonder how my tormentors would have lived with themselves had that happened. Truth is, I am eternally grateful now for my hellish experiences in high school.
After Tel Aviv, I returned to Montreal to pursue studies in educational psychology, which later led me to become a school counselor. And I was in those trenches, never turning a blind eye from those bullied kids and teens. I can smell bullying from a million miles away and like a thirsty bloodhound I am right there, working with the bully, the bullied and the bystanders.
This past week, my graduating class got together for a high school reunion and my dear friend who has been more like my sister since we were 7 was the organizer so she brought her large screen laptop so that she could skype me and so that I could feel like I was there, too. Unfortunately they couldn't hear me and I couldn't hear them, but seeing their faces right there in front of me was a very eye opening experience.
As I was sitting in my living room in Israel at 6:15am, with my baby on my lap and my other little angels sleeping soundly in their room right next to us, I was surprised by the emotions that I felt as she passed the laptop around to various former classmates.
I realized that I truly am blessed with a very forgiving heart and soul. In that room, I spotted at least 5 of my tormentors. And even with the sound off, I could vividly recall their loud taunts and sneers from years before. We are now in Aseret Yemey Teshuva, The Ten Days of Repentance between Rosh Hashana(The Jewish New Year ) and Yom Kippur (The Day of Atonement). For the umpteenth time, I was able to see the blessings in the broken teenager that I once was. G-d willing, I hope and I pray that my sweet and precious diamonds(my kids) never ever have to endure the kind of agony I did as a child/teen, but if G-d forbid they encounter any of it, their Mama is right here and has been there and done that:)
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